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It was a dark, gloomy day in the town of Caro. However, this did not stop a hopeless fisherman from going to the local river and casting his rod. Sam, the town's worst fisherman, visited the river every day in hopes he would finally receive some luck. Day after day Sam would return home in disappointment and have no fish to take with him as a reward for his patience. As Sam approached his usual spot by the river, he noticed a young woman wearing a large hood standing across the way. The woman seemed to not notice Sam's presence, so he continued to mind his own business. This did not last long. The woman took off her hood and Sam was astonished by the beauty he saw with his eyes. He bolted from his spot and hid so he could bask in her beauty. Her hair was long and beautiful. Her eyes were the color of the deep ocean. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Sam is not a very graceful human being so the woman noticed him right away as he scurried to hide behind a rock. The woman took off quickly without saying a word. Sam was so awestruck by the woman's beauty he completely forgot about his fishing endeavors and vowed to return to the river in hopes to see her again. Sam returned home and slept a happier man. The next day Sam returned to the river and did not see the woman. He was devastated. Sam thought he scared her away, or possibly came off as a creep because he was staring at her from behind a rock. Sam cast his hook in the river in hopes to get his mind off of her. After a few minutes of sitting and no nibbles, he heard a voice from behind him.
"Um.. Hi."
Sam quickly sprang to his feet, and to his surprise it was the beautiful woman from yesterday.
"Oh... Hello! I saw you yesterday and couldn't help but notice... you.. have.. pretty..nose.. very.. uhh.."
"Hahaha. Well..thanks?"
Sam is also awful with women.
Sam eventually found out the girl's name was Lisa. They talked for hours by the river. They were really hitting it off. One topic after another, they loved talking to each other. So, they decided to meet at the same place every day to see each other. After a couple of years, Sam and Lisa decided to get married. However, there was one condition to the relationship that did not sit right with Sam. In order for them to be together, Sam could never ask Lisa what she was doing at the river the first day he saw her. He agreed to the terms in hopes she would eventually tell him herself.
After months of marriage, Sam could not take the curiosity any longer. He asked Lisa why she was at the river that day. Her answer shocked him. She was there to end her life. Her family had recently disowned her, and she had no friends to converse with about her issues. Sam was the first person that seemed like he actually cared for her. Her life was miserable.Lisa was so ashamed of the past, she vanished without telling Sam where she was going. After this heartbreak, Sam waited by the river every day and night in hopes the love of his life would return.
Days passed and Sam was beginning to lose hope. The river was a lonely place without his former lover. The sound of the water running reminded him of the day he was blessed to meet her. One night, Lisa finally returned in an attempt to end her life once more. She was wearing the same large hood as the first day Sam saw her. Sam called out her name and she turned away in shame. He voiced his love for her and how he would never judge her for how she feels. He said he would always be there for her no matter what the circumstance. Lisa, finally receiving the loving attention she needed, had a change of heart. She returned to Sam and the two were reunited again. As they were talking and expressing their love for one another, there was a sound Sam had never heard before. It was the sound of his fishing pole hitting the rack he braced it on. He grabbed the pole as quickly as he could.
Sam had finally caught a fish.
AUTHOR'S NOTE
My story is loosely based on the story of King Shantanu and his wife. In the original story, the king falls in love with a river goddess and asks her to marry him. However, the only requirement to them getting married is that the king could never question her decisions. I decided to make my story similar to that, but instead of a river goddess, I decided to make her a woman whose beauty is incomparable. Also, instead of having her decisions be the deciding factor of the marriage, I made the reason she was at the river be the deciding factor. In the original story the river goddess kills the children of the king. In my version I left this detail out, but I incorporated a suicide with Lisa. I thought it would still have the same dramatic effect that the death of the king's children did. Lastly, in the original story the river goddess leaves Shantanu and never returns. However, I like happy endings so I decided that Lisa would return and they would live happily ever after. I also thought the fish was just a neat thing to add due to the main setting being a river.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Mahabharata: Karmic Revolution Part A - Epified TV
PARALELLS~ I love your parallel theme with the fishing rod and Sam and Lisa's relationship! It ties the conflict up in a nice little bow, giving you a powerful ending. I also like the conflict itself, as you give much reason to care about both characters.
ReplyDeleteSince you give us characters to care about in order to drive the plot, I would love to hear them speak more! If you wrote dialogue for Sam's questioning of Lisa and the conflict at the end by the river, I'm certain it would make those scenes even more powerful! It would also help break up the size of some of your paragraphs.
While we know plenty of Sam's strengths and flaws, I would like to see expanding of Lisa's strengths and flaws as well. Lisa clearly has trust issues as a result of her past, maybe an expansion on her past can help with that.
Some paragraphs can be broken off without the help of dialogue. For example, the exposition about Sam at the beginning and his first meeting with Lisa can be broken off into two different paragraphs, letting each idea breathe.
Overall, I am absolutely in love with your work here. Strong plot with good ending, and sympathetic characters. Some additional tweaking to delivery of information (e.g. dialogue and paragraph structure) and exposing character qualities will make this story a real catch! Good luck!
Tyler, I thought that your story was really good. I think that your story tied really well with the original story. It did take me a minute to understand exactly where you were going with it, but I soon figured it out and I thought that it was a great way to retell the story. Making the king the worst fisher in the town made it good because it made him look like a normal human and not just a kingly figure that would always get the girl. Great job.
ReplyDeleteTyler, the first thing that I noticed when looking at this story was the way that you easily separate the dialogue from the rest of the story and that it actually really nice. I would suggest maybe put who is the one doing the text like “, said Sam” or something along those lines just to avoid confusion when you have back to back dialogues like this
ReplyDelete"Oh... Hello! I saw you yesterday and couldn't help but notice... you.. have.. pretty..nose.. very.. uhh.."
"Hahaha. Well..thanks?"
I like the points that you made the same but also the things that you changed up from the original. The deciding factor on some of the outcomes makes the story familiar but definitely different. I am not too big of a fan on fishing but I do agree that fishing is a neat and relaxing thing to add into the story. Great ending as well! Overall, this was a nice and relaxing read!
Tyler, I enjoyed reading your story. It flowed really well and was easy to read. I would, however suggest that you use a bigger font size, as it will be easier on the eyes. The way that you took the original story and turned it into your own, is great! It makes for an interesting read.
ReplyDeleteI did notice a few minor errors:
"Sam was so awestruck by the woman's beauty he completely forgot about."
--- Sam was so awestruck by the woman's beauty, THAT...
The below sentence does not quite make sense to me. Maybe you can reword it, or add a word to it to make it flow better: "It was the sound of his fishing pole hitting the rack he braced it on."
Well done with the story and keep up the good work.
Wow,
ReplyDeleteI honestly enjoyed your story. Your description of the woman and the way the scenery is described is great. I like how you changed the story to be about her attempting to kill herself rather than how the children were being killed in the original story. I think changing that part of the story makes it more surreal. Most of us at least have not had children yet and so suicide is something we at least know of or are more familiar about. Your story captures the best of the characters and you did a nice job transitioning your story to the next scene. I enjoyed the little humor within the story when you added that your character truly was not good with women. Also the way you formatted the dialogue was clever and tasteful. I felt like I was actually reading a conversation that occurred not to long ago is how real it felt. Anyways, good job and I cant wait to see what you come up with next.
I like how you decided to leave the story with a happy ending. The story was well written. Furthermore, I noticed that there was a sort of symbolism with the fishing pole and Sam's love life. You started the story with the idea that Sam was the worst fisherman, and later on in the story, you refer to Sam as being horrible with women. I like how you made the two correlative. Once same was able to kindle the flame of love between the beautiful woman, Lisa, he was finally able to catch a fish.
ReplyDelete